"I think I'll try defying gravity..."

So things are finally slowing down a bit...so I have some time to reflect.

I should recount the last few weeks, however: I went to see my grandparents for a weekend in June, and then went on vacation to LBI for a couple days with Abbie a week later. I came home from LBI just to get back on the road the next day to go see my grandparents for 4th of July weekend. The weekend following that, I went out to the Pittsburgh area with five other women to attend my ex-roommate Sarah's wedding.

All in all, I had an excellent time in all situations. The Lord worked in mostly small ways during this time...

On my first trip out to Connecticut, my grandmother told me she was proud of me, and it's really the first time that she's said such a thing that I didn't feel that I was somehow also disappointing her. Pleasing my grandparents has been a major goal for many years; their opinions and blessings mean a lot to me. I was making some lousy life choices when I was younger, and I knew they were concerned about me. I think over the last two years or so I've grown up enough that they finally do trust me, and don't worry so much...and, more importantly, I've learned that, while their opinion should be respected, I am also an adult with my own, and that's ok. I think they've really just wanted me to lead an honorable life and live it to the fullest; since coming to Christ I've been able to do that more easily (not surprisingly.)

The trip to LBI was gorgeous. Abbie and I stayed on the north end of the island in Barnegat Light. People were friendly, food was good, beach was nice (even if I did get sunburned.) We had dessert with Eileen and Narv on Monday night and breakfast with Mama and Papa K on Tuesday morning. It's always good to see old friends.

However, going to LBI is always a little hard too. It brings back the tumultuous summer of two years ago, and all that has transpired since then. I wish amends could be made: harsh words were exchanged on both sides, and issues remain unresolved. This makes me terribly sad. I have prayed for him every day for the last year. More than anything, I pray for his salvation and peace. I don't know if it's because I've been thinking about this at length lately, but I had a dream a few nights ago that he'd found salvation...I hope this dream turns out to be prophetic.

The next two weekends were just tons of fun: 4th of July at Lake Candlewood in Connecticut, with my family (and Mike's girlfriend Kate), a road trip to Pittsburgh (look me up on facebook for pictures of that adventure), and a birthday dinner at Tequila's with some of my favorite people.

Other than being an east-coast traveller, I've done a lot of processing lately. The last month has been one of wrapping up. I mentioned strange closure regarding past romantic relationships in my last post--indeed, they've all been dealt with to varying degrees, except for the one I've previously mentioned in this post.

Also, my 24th birthday has been the first time I've actually felt my age: there was time when I thought I was going to be married by the time I was 24. This may sounds odd, but I was in two very committed relationships back to back, both men I loved dearly and with all of me. The ending of the first just about destroyed me, though, thankfully, we are very good friends today. In fact, he was one of the people to come alongside me when the second relationship ended two years ago, which actually turned out to be relief and one of the best things to have happened to me--It's what drove me to Christ.

I know God's timing is perfect, and so are his plans, but the whole notion has made me feel a little bitter, to the point of taking my frustration out on building furniture. Honestly, writing this now, I'm not sure why I'm so frustrated. This is probably because I've put a lot of thought into the predicament over the last week, and have realized a couple of things:

Firstly, I don't know how prepared I am to commit myself to someone else. That is to say, if the opportunity arose, I wouldn't do so, but something tells me I have a few things to learn beforehand. Secondly, I'm not sure I'm happy with myself lately. This is probably a product of bitterness and frustration, but I've been less than loving and rather self-centered lately. I've become tired of trying be a certain way, trying to censor my personality because it might make some people uncomfortable. So I'm just done. As the song says: "I'm through excepting limits, because someone says they're so."

So yes, the song for this post is "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. Though I've never seen the play (but hope to someday), it just speaks to me.