Learning to Love Women

I'm afraid the next few entries, whenever they may show up, may turn out to be very self-reflecting. There's a lot of mulling going on in this brain; there's a lot that needs to be written and formulated, time is just not on my side in this endeavor lately.

At any rate, today's reflection is on the state of my closest friendships. For most of my life, I fit not-so-comfortably into the role of being the little sister (or girlfriend) in a group of guys. I say not-so-comfortably because, on the surface, things were mostly ok, and in fact, I preferred hanging out with guys; they were generally drama-free, laid-back, albeit a bit sarcastic. The sarcasm was the part I had trouble with: I usually turned out to be the butt of a lot of jokes, and because, on the surface, I generally made a pretty good practice of laughing at myself (and along with them), things generally went on without too much interruption. However, the constant banter took a toll on my already-fragile sense of security. I felt that I wasn't taken seriously, and that I was under-appreciated. How true those statements are, only the friends of my past can really answer. But I spent a lot of years caring way too much about what other thought; I put my self-worth in other people's opinions, and had a very low opinion of myself in general anyways.

I should cut in here and say that, in general, I also hated hanging out with women. Or girls. However you would choose to define them. By my assessment, girls had no real depth and did little short of chasing boys and fashion. That's not to say that I didn't have a couple of good girlfriends, I did. But I had no interest in having a lot of them.

Some could conduct a psychological analysis and say that this is due to my mommy issues, which really boils down to: women can't be trusted. That very well may be. I just think I had issues with people in general. I wanted very badly to be accepted, loved, and respected, and I went looking for that in all the wrong places.

As mentioned in previous blog posts, the friendships I maintained with these guys dissolved after a particularly messy breakup (although, these days, we're good friends again.) And, despite being in a new relationship, thus began two of the loneliest years of my life. (This has all been rehashed before. No need to do it again. For a refresher, go see the previous posts.)

At the end of the tunnel, there was Alex. She was the embodiment of everything I wished to be: beautiful, confident, articulate, strong. We became fast friends (what better way to bond than over 'Will and Grace' after a breakup?) and my attitude began to change. Of course, there were other things at work in my life at the time -- namely the Lord -- but Alex made it clear that no woman should find her worth in a man. And that's exactly what I'd been doing for a lot of years.

Around this time, I also met Merrylee, who would later become another dear friend, roommate, and a key component in my spiritual growth. And the examples of strong, sincere, beautiful, Godly women continued: Vee, Sarah, Carol, Abbie, Alex R., Cynthia, and Rachel.

For a long time, I didn't know what Alex saw in me. I was so opposite of her in so many ways. I definitely wasn't fashionable and confident, and at the time I felt anything but strong. I told her once that next to her and another friend of hers, I always felt a little out of place, like the short plain-jane friend that just hung out with them. To which she responded, "What A. and I have can be taught. What you have, can't be faked. You are one of the most real, most sincere people I have ever met." To this day, this was one of the highest compliments I had ever received, and the first time I remember feeling respected by someone else.

So now, I have all these incredible women surrounding me, that I hope to grow old with and continue to learn from. The communion between girlfriends really is something special.