Doubt and Blessing (and the exhaustion both bring)

I sat down at this computer with every intention of writing something quite melancholy. The rain, the inevitable end of summer, and my exhaustion (more on that in a minute) caused my spirits to be a little on the low side this morning. Luckily, however, I managed to check Facebook before I wrote this and was reminded of the abundant blessings in my life.

I should explain from the beginning.

I have two exams approaching--on the same day, next Tuesday. If it weren't for the prayers of some important people in my life, I'd probably be more freaked out about it. Indeed, I was quite unsettled when the situation became evident, and this week is going to be a difficult one as I pack my brain full of multi-variable calculus and linear algebra proofs.

But, before all that work, God managed to bless this weekend abundantly.

First, when I left the lab on Friday night, I went down to Steve's house for marvelous food, singing, and laughter. Then, on Saturday, I went to the Eastern State Penitentiary with Rachel, Carol, and her friend Christa, followed by cheesesteaks at Jim. It was just one of those days where I was reminded how blessed I am to be in this city: it was beautiful out, people were out, the food was good. I only managed to get in three hours of study time at the lab afterwords, but it was productive, and I wouldn't have traded walking around my city for the time cooped up in the lab.

I arrived home at around 8:30 to find a small hurricane had ripped through the kitchen, and my house family (Eric, Merrylee, and Rachel) sitting at the table eating. I have to admit, this is one of the purest pleasures, coming home to these people on a daily basis. I offered to clean up the kitchen (Merrylee and Rachel had both spent the better part of the day cooking and canning, it was only fair, right?), and what ensued was a night where I took on my own cooking projects. By the time I went to bed (well after midnight), the kitchen was clean, there was chili cooking and apple crisp had just come out of the oven. Really, whether it's cooking or cleaning, being in the kitchen is its own unique form of therapy for me, so I went to bed completely contented.

I didn't get much sleep as a result of the late-night cooking and cleaning projects, but I managed to make it to the 11am service. Dr. Ryken was back to preach, Cora Hogue Koop was honored, and I got this little giddy smile on my face as the choir sang some beautiful pieces. It was just one of those mornings at Tenth. Dan and Rachel experienced their own great blessing, getting to meet and talk with Dr. C. Everett Koop (yes, the former surgeon general) while I went home to serve lunch to Eric, Merrylee, Jule, Nils, and Cynthia. It always makes me so happy to see friends and family blessed in such awesome ways. (It was seeing pictures of this meeting a few minutes ago that reminded me of the abundant blessing in my life.)

Dan and I had a good conversation about fear and doubt on the way to pick up his friend Shane (what a delight he was to have around!). I shared with him some of the things God has shared with me over the last month or so, the struggles I am going to be facing in the next couple of years, the scars of the past that are hindering me at the present. Dan asked me what it is I fear. I told him that I don't fear much, and if I do, I don't experience it quite the way most people do. My undoing is doubt. Doubt is what creeps into my head and causes me to do things like give God an ultimatum (see a few blog posts back.) Doubt is the easiest way for me to get stressed out, make bad decisions, and lose hope.

Rachel and I managed to have a tearful conversation about this last night. Honestly, it was the good cry I've been needing for a couple of weeks. Life, as full of blessing as it is, has been exhausting and overwhelming. There's so much going on--both in doubt and in blessing--that I feel so inadequate in keeping up sometimes. I've been losing sleep, sometimes due to worry and sometimes due to blessings. Running the race is a privilege and pleasure, but I can only take so much in my human capacity.

The greatest blessing of this, though, is how absolutely and fervently driven to prayer I have been. I have been so overcome with the recognition of my own inadequacy lately that all I can do is pray, because it's the only thing in my capacity to do. The Holy Spirit has told me that this next journey is going to be increasingly uncomfortable, but it will be in an effort to pull down some walls and learn to love and abide with people, even in their imperfections. And really, that's the next thing I need to learn, and I know it.