Lamentation

I need to preface by saying that God is good. He's worked on me in the last two years to fill me up, and make me feel whole, to the point that I'm spilling over and giving back to the best of my ability. And, seeing this, when I pray I tend to try to follow some guidelines: to show the utmost respect, to add 'if it is your will' at the end of any request, and not to request much in the first place, simply because he has been so good at providing without my consciously asking. I've pleaded to, had frank conversations with, and thanked God at various times in the last two years. But I've never felt the need to place an ultimatum before Him (even when He was doing uncomfortable things I didn't understand).

Until today.

Today I got on a treadmill for half an hour and shouted at Him the whole time. I told him to either take it away, or do something about the newest uncomfortable situation I'm in, because I am just so sick of the runaround.

So much for respect, right?

We were doing so good, me and God. The last six months have been a series of prayers that I've been surprised to see answered. And then I repented, told Him I'd failed him in other ways, and that I would understand if He chose to keep some things from me because of that. I was ok with where I was and who I was.

But He never allows you to stay too comfortable for too long, does He?

In a sense, He's answered something I've been praying for a very long time, but not in the way I expected, and, in my opinion, the most uncomfortable way possible. This is true to His form--He's never let me have anything too easy. But a part of me is going, "Haven't you had enough? Can't you grow me in another way? We just got through the storm, we were doing great, and now this?"

I'm not even sure how to conclude this post, other than to say, I'm sorry for the vagueness on what this burden is. All will be revealed eventually I'm sure, but now is not the time. This truly is my cross to bear at the moment...I just wish it were a different cross.