Exposure

Three months ago, I could honestly say that I was the closest to God that I'd ever been. I know, I know, I'm still a relatively new Christian, so that's not necessarily saying much. But I was in a period of my life where my heart and mind were as at peace as they had ever been. Even in the moments that tried my patience the most, I knew that God had a plan for my sanctification. In those moments, I was driven to prayer. I went through my days in class and at Mighty Writers feeling God very close, in constant conversation with Him.

Funny how quickly finding new love will distract you from that.

God has told me to abide with Dave. This is the first time I've been involved with a man where I knew, unequivocally, that God had brought the relationship about and intended to use it, for both of our sanctification. Finding that footing has been difficult.

I can count the moments where, in the last three months or so, I felt God as close to me as he was before. Of course, I know, he's never left my side. But things have suffered. It started simply enough, this feeling of distraction. The constant prayers stopped. I started counting more and more on my own strength to try and 'fix' areas of sin in my life.  With this came nothing but crippling frustration.

There was a night where, by accident, Dave found something out about me that was just generally shameful--an area of sin that I'd done my best to hide from others. I remember how embarrassed and angry I felt when I'd been found out--and in the days following, I felt I had a glimpse into just how seriously I should be taking my sin. The embarrassment and anger I felt in those initial moments should be the attitude of repentance I have towards God constantly...and, I am ashamed to say, I haven't. I've become increasingly better and better at throwing that seriousness aside.

I suppose, if I'm going to attempt to end this post on a high note, I can at least say that, for the next nine days, I've been removed from Philadelphia (for the holidays), and therefore removed from some old routines and patterns, with plenty of time to think, pray, and repent...and it is high time that this happens. The meaning of this season cannot be a lukewarm thing to me. The reality that Jesus came and died for every sin I have ever committed needs to be a burning, intense, real thing, now more than ever.