Points of Light

Feeling the Spirit in Camden, NJ

2011-07-26T19:13:00.000-04:00

I first became aware of the poverty in Camden, NJ three years ago, when I was on a bus from Cherry Hill back to Philadelphia. As we drove closer to Walter Rand Transportation Center, we passed countless empty lots, boarded up buildings, and barbed wire fences. The song "Why Does my Heart?" by Moby was playing on my iPod, which just asks, over and over, "Why does my heart feel so bad? Why does my soul feel so bad?" I hadn't dared to think that one day, I would choose to work in this city.

Working in Camden is a very unique experience, so I will give you a quick run-through of what a typical day entails for me:

I wake at 5:15 am or so. Depending on the day, I either dress in just jeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt or sweats over my bathing suit. I stopped wearing just my bathing suit top and a skirt after I was mistaken for a prostitute on Kaighn Avenue.

At 6:20, I walk out the door to catch the trolley to 13th Street, and then catch a NJ Transit bus to Broadway and Kaighn. Overall, this commute takes about 50 minutes, with me reporting at 7:15 at the Neighborhood Center.

My day really starts at 7:30, with a staff meeting every morning, where we go over the day's activities. When this meeting is finished, I pick up my first round of 9- and 10-year-olds from the gym. There are usually about five or six of them, and we head back to "the trailer", where my classroom is, where they do some reading while about 10 to 12 more children sidle in over the next hour.

Breakfast is at 9am. For the first week or so, we were being provided breakfasts from the city, but they are never delivered on time, so our cook, Mr. Dan, provides cereal, milk, and fruit juice for about 90 kids every day.

After breakfast, we have our Bible lesson, which I usually teach. Our Bibles are in comic book form, and the kids really like taking turns reading from them. Every so often, we get into some fantastic (and very funny) discussions. For example, when some classmates were explaining the size of God to one boy, they said, "God's so big, he could step off of buildings!"

Today, we somehow got on the subject of how God sees everything you do, and is with you all the time. Naturally, my kids said, "Really?! Even when you're in the shower?! That's gross!"

After this, we take the kids outside. (When I say "we", I mean myself and my aide, Ms. Wanda.) Today I had the pleasure of spraying some of the kids with spray bottles as they ran around the jungle gym. The kids love kickball, and inevitably, they will self-start a game.

At 11am, we send the kids back to the trailer for some academic work. This is mainly just review of what they should have learned in the previous year in math, reading, and language arts. Most of my kids are very smart and have no problem getting through this material with little help from me or Ms. Wanda.

I also select three kids at this time to go and help Mr. Dan in the kitchen on the soup line. I started this as a disciplinary measure, but the kids really started liking it, especially when they figured out that Mr. Dan would let them have a plate or what they had prepared, which is way better than what everyone else gets: Lunch is provided by the city, and is typically an unappetizing-looking meat (and sometimes cheese) sandwich. We've found that heating up these sandwiches in the microwave makes them more palatable. (We will not be using this food program next year.) Only after all the sandwiches are heated, can we counselors get our lunches. I brought my own for the first couple of weeks, but when my digestive system started disagreeing with the repeated pe anut butter and jelly sandwiches, I started eating off the soup line. Mr. Dan's cooking is way better than my sandwiches anyways.

After lunch, all hell breaks loose.

Ok, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but the kids do magically acquire an influx of energy that can be exhausting to reel in. Luckily, a lot of our afternoon activities are off-site excursions, to either bowling, skating, or swimming. Mondays are the only days I really need to fill with something, so that varies between a craft, playing outside, or watching a movie.

Dismissal is at 3:20ish. Only when are my kids on the bus, picked up by parents, or transferred to PM care (sort of an after-school care) am I free to leave. This is usually around 3:45. Miss Patricia has been kind enough lately to drive me up to Walter Rand Transportation Center, since there are quite a few more busses that go into Philadelphia from there. The few times I have walked to the corner of Broadway and Kaighn to wait, it's easy to see that drug use and prostitution are rampant and blatant. I do my best to be both kind and inconspicuous to the locals, though with limited success: I'm white, and therefore, almost assuredly, not from the neighborhood. I am very definitely in the minority in this city; in fact, not one of the students at the Neighborhood Center is white, and only a few of my coworkers are. So the walks to and from work are an exercise in not making myself a target. I tend to make at least brief eye contact with people I pass, so as not to give the air that I'm afraid, and greet those who greet me, so as not to give the air that I'm hostile, or think that I'm above the people in this neighborhood. After all, we are all children of God.

Despite these stresses, though, this has so far been an affirming experience: I am absolutely sure that I am on the career path I should be, and reaching the youth I should be as well. The Neighborhood Center is a place I want to come back to again and again, year after year. No words that I put down here could possibly do this experience justice.

Exposure

2010-12-21T14:24:00.000-05:00

Three months ago, I could honestly say that I was the closest to God that I'd ever been. I know, I know, I'm still a relatively new Christian, so that's not necessarily saying much. But I was in a period of my life where my heart and mind were as at peace as they had ever been. Even in the moments that tried my patience the most, I knew that God had a plan for my sanctification. In those moments, I was driven to prayer. I went through my days in class and at Mighty Writers feeling God very close, in constant conversation with Him.

Funny how quickly finding new love will distract you from that.

God has told me to abide with Dave. This is the first time I've been involved with a man where I knew, unequivocally, that God had brought the relationship about and intended to use it, for both of our sanctification. Finding that footing has been difficult.

I can count the moments where, in the last three months or so, I felt God as close to me as he was before. Of course, I know, he's never left my side. But things have suffered. It started simply enough, this feeling of distraction. The constant prayers stopped. I started counting more and more on my own strength to try and 'fix' areas of sin in my life. With this came nothing but crippling frustration.

There was a night where, by accident, Dave found something out about me that was just generally shameful--an area of sin that I'd done my best to hide from others. I remember how embarrassed and angry I felt when I'd been found out--and in the days following, I felt I had a glimpse into just how seriously I should be taking my sin. The embarrassment and anger I felt in those initial moments should be the attitude of repentance I have towards God constantly...and, I am ashamed to say, I haven't. I've become increasingly better and better at throwing that seriousness aside.

I suppose, if I'm going to attempt to end this post on a high note, I can at least say that, for the next nine days, I've been removed from Philadelphia (for the holidays), and therefore removed from some old routines and patterns, with plenty of time to think, pray, and repent...and it is high time that this happens. The meaning of this season cannot be a lukewarm thing to me. The reality that Jesus came and died for every sin I have ever committed needs to be a burning, intense, real thing, now more than ever.

Details

2010-11-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

I was hoping to write something substantial over Thanksgiving break; this did not happen. But I'm aware it's been almost two months since I've last written. I started this blog to share a journey with those who might care about reading about it; I'm aware this is mostly just close friends. But that's ok. Getting it on-screen is a privilege.

So, with that in mind, I can finally state the things I was lamenting about in September.

God put a wonderful man in my life, in a way that only God can do. The details that had to work out just right for us to meet is kind of astounding, but a sign no less of the sovereignty of God.

Last April, preparations for Merrylee's wedding were in full swing. We were having a shower for her, and one of her bridesmaids, Ashleigh, was down from Boston to attend. Unfortunately, Merrylee had to work in the evening, but I told Ashleigh to go ahead and come hang out with me, my roommate Carol, and a couple of friends from Bible study. We went to a roller derby double-header, which was a lot of fun, and then made our way over to Mad Mex for some drinks and food. Nate and Alex (they host our Bible study) got ahold of our friend Everett, who had wanted to hang out, and said that he was going to bring along his roommate.

Turns out, Everett's roommate, Dave, and Ashleigh had gone to the same church in high school...back in Connecticut. So, other than a quick introduction, Dave and I barely paid attention to each other, which was fine, I was glad Ashleigh had someone to talk to and catch up with.

The weekend of Merrylee's wedding Dave brought Ashleigh to lunch, to catch up further, and stopped by our house quickly to drop her off. Again, other than the cordial greetings, we barely said anything to each other.

A few weeks later, I saw Dave at church, and decided to say hi to him. We talked a bit, and I knew that he had come on some rough times in the past year, and at the very least, probably needed some solid friendships. We adopted him into our group of friends, showed him that yes, we can roll with the punches, and would accept him for who he was, burdens and all, and slowly over the summer, we saw him become a happier person, which in and of itself was a blessing.

Dave intrigued me from the beginning. As I stated before, I knew there was a rough story there, and if anyone knows about dealing with tough times, it's me. Not only that, he was hard to get a read on, and I'm pretty good at reading people. But he absolutely boggled me. There was a time I actually thought he wasn't entirely fond of me, but somehow he kept approaching me and our group of friends on Sundays. I'd say that was God's providence.

By the time August rolled around, Dave was rolling around more and more in my brain; however, I was convinced it was a silly little crush that would eventually go away. It didn't.

By September, I was absolutely tormented by this infatuation, as is exhibited in some of my blogs. But it was a burden I knew I must bear, and one that was sanctifying. I had never spent as much time in prayer as I did during the month of September, and the Lord was definitely telling me to keep Dave in my life, and in my prayers.

On October 2nd, Dave and I went to Romeo and Juliet (along with Rachel and our friend Nils), and, after a few drinks at the after-party, it all came flooding out. I tried to keep from admitting what was on my mind --I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship--but he told me to say what was on my mind, and in the morning he would 'hit the reset button'. And so I told him, knowing it might be the only chance I got to do so.

I came away from that conversation with no expectations. I had said my piece and I was satisfied with that, even if it never came up again.

Four days later, I was sitting across from Dave at Borders and he was expressing interest in pursuing a relationship with me.

And the rest is history. The last two months has been nothing short of an amazing (and sometimes trying) start to what we believe will be an amazing journey, God-willing. We are very happy, and look forward to seeing what the Lord has for us in our futures.

The Calling

2010-10-04T13:02:00.000-04:00

http://blogs.phillymag.com/the_philly_post/2010/09/30/philly-is-number-one/

Yes, I should be studying for my two exams. But I stumbled upon this, and it's too important to me to not write some thoughts on.

I have become increasingly aware over the last few years of the 'Philadelphia Dichotomy'. As the article states, there are two very different sides to Philly. There's the ritzy, million-dollar condos, posh coffee shops, designer stores, and towering glass skyscrapers of Center City. There is a series of gentrified (and Penntrified, if you live in West Philly) neighborhoods branching out from Center City. But outside of these is a very different story.

It is very easy for those of us who are fortunate enough to live in those neighborhoods that a few blocks in the right direction will land you in neighborhoods where, to quote my roommate's father, "it looks like a war was fought--and lost." And I work with some of the kids who come from these neighborhoods. For these kids, it's normal for their fathers to not be present, their sisters to be pregnant, and their brothers standing on the corners. Two weeks ago I had one boy tell me that there had been a shooting a few blocks from where he lives. And some of these kids are so skinny, I can only wonder if the one meal they get at Mighty Writers, and possibly a school lunch, are the only things they are eating consistently.

I don't have any brilliant ideas on how to deal with the poverty in Philadelphia, but my heart is rooted here. It's what drives me to teach--I know what one good teacher who believes in your ability can do. I hope someday I can live up to that calling.

Doubt and Blessing (and the exhaustion both bring)

2010-09-27T12:43:00.000-04:00

I sat down at this computer with every intention of writing something quite melancholy. The rain, the inevitable end of summer, and my exhaustion (more on that in a minute) caused my spirits to be a little on the low side this morning. Luckily, however, I managed to check Facebook before I wrote this and was reminded of the abundant blessings in my life.

I should explain from the beginning.

I have two exams approaching--on the same day, next Tuesday. If it weren't for the prayers of some important people in my life, I'd probably be more freaked out about it. Indeed, I was quite unsettled when the situation became evident, and this week is going to be a difficult one as I pack my brain full of multi-variable calculus and linear algebra proofs.

But, before all that work, God managed to bless this weekend abundantly.

First, when I left the lab on Friday night, I went down to Steve's house for marvelous food, singing, and laughter. Then, on Saturday, I went to the Eastern State Penitentiary with Rachel, Carol, and her friend Christa, followed by cheesesteaks at Jim. It was just one of those days where I was reminded how blessed I am to be in this city: it was beautiful out, people were out, the food was good. I only managed to get in three hours of study time at the lab afterwords, but it was productive, and I wouldn't have traded walking around my city for the time cooped up in the lab.

I arrived home at around 8:30 to find a small hurricane had ripped through the kitchen, and my house family (Eric, Merrylee, and Rachel) sitting at the table eating. I have to admit, this is one of the purest pleasures, coming home to these people on a daily basis. I offered to clean up the kitchen (Merrylee and Rachel had both spent the better part of the day cooking and canning, it was only fair, right?), and what ensued was a night where I took on my own cooking projects. By the time I went to bed (well after midnight), the kitchen was clean, there was chili cooking and apple crisp had just come out of the oven. Really, whether it's cooking or cleaning, being in the kitchen is its own unique form of therapy for me, so I went to bed completely contented.

I didn't get much sleep as a result of the late-night cooking and cleaning projects, but I managed to make it to the 11am service. Dr. Ryken was back to preach, Cora Hogue Koop was honored, and I got this little giddy smile on my face as the choir sang some beautiful pieces. It was just one of those mornings at Tenth. Dan and Rachel experienced their own great blessing, getting to meet and talk with Dr. C. Everett Koop (yes, the former surgeon general) while I went home to serve lunch to Eric, Merrylee, Jule, Nils, and Cynthia. It always makes me so happy to see friends and family blessed in such awesome ways. (It was seeing pictures of this meeting a few minutes ago that reminded me of the abundant blessing in my life.)

Dan and I had a good conversation about fear and doubt on the way to pick up his friend Shane (what a delight he was to have around!). I shared with him some of the things God has shared with me over the last month or so, the struggles I am going to be facing in the next couple of years, the scars of the past that are hindering me at the present. Dan asked me what it is I fear. I told him that I don't fear much, and if I do, I don't experience it quite the way most people do. My undoing is doubt. Doubt is what creeps into my head and causes me to do things like give God an ultimatum (see a few blog posts back.) Doubt is the easiest way for me to get stressed out, make bad decisions, and lose hope.

Rachel and I managed to have a tearful conversation about this last night. Honestly, it was the good cry I've been needing for a couple of weeks. Life, as full of blessing as it is, has been exhausting and overwhelming. There's so much going on--both in doubt and in blessing--that I feel so inadequate in keeping up sometimes. I've been losing sleep, sometimes due to worry and sometimes due to blessings. Running the race is a privilege and pleasure, but I can only take so much in my human capacity.

The greatest blessing of this, though, is how absolutely and fervently driven to prayer I have been. I have been so overcome with the recognition of my own inadequacy lately that all I can do is pray, because it's the only thing in my capacity to do. The Holy Spirit has told me that this next journey is going to be increasingly uncomfortable, but it will be in an effort to pull down some walls and learn to love and abide with people, even in their imperfections. And really, that's the next thing I need to learn, and I know it.

Reflections on the Summer

2010-09-25T17:34:00.000-04:00

So the song linked below is the one I will hear ten years from now and remember this particular transitioning period in my life. I've linked the video and included the lyrics so that those of you who had the privilege of observing my spiritual walk this summer can see where I see the connection--it's different for everyone, but I see all of you in one way or another. There's this fantastic little montage that runs through my head when I hear this...know that I love you all =).

Sweet Dispostion
by Temper Trap

Sweet Disposition
Never to soon
Ohh wreck less abandon
Like no ones
Watching you

A moment, a love, a dream aloud
A kiss, a cry, our rights, ours wrongs

So stay there
Cause i'll be coming over
While our bloods still young
It's young and it runs
Wont stop till its over
Wont stop till you surrender

Songs of desperation
I played them for you

A moment, a love, a dream aloud
A kiss, a cry, our rights, ours wrongs

A moment ohh...

So stay there
Cause i'll be coming over
While our bloods still young
It's young and it runs
Wont stop till its over
Wont stop till you surrender

A moment, a love, a dream aloud
A kiss, a cry, our rights, ours wrongs

Lamentation

2010-09-15T14:59:00.000-04:00

I need to preface by saying that God is good. He's worked on me in the last two years to fill me up, and make me feel whole, to the point that I'm spilling over and giving back to the best of my ability. And, seeing this, when I pray I tend to try to follow some guidelines: to show the utmost respect, to add 'if it is your will' at the end of any request, and not to request much in the first place, simply because he has been so good at providing without my consciously asking. I've pleaded to, had frank conversations with, and thanked God at various times in the last two years. But I've never felt the need to place an ultimatum before Him (even when He was doing uncomfortable things I didn't understand).

Until today.

Today I got on a treadmill for half an hour and shouted at Him the whole time. I told him to either take it away, or do something about the newest uncomfortable situation I'm in, because I am just so sick of the runaround.

So much for respect, right?

We were doing so good, me and God. The last six months have been a series of prayers that I've been surprised to see answered. And then I repented, told Him I'd failed him in other ways, and that I would understand if He chose to keep some things from me because of that. I was ok with where I was and who I was.

But He never allows you to stay too comfortable for too long, does He?

In a sense, He's answered something I've been praying for a very long time, but not in the way I expected, and, in my opinion, the most uncomfortable way possible. This is true to His form--He's never let me have anything too easy. But a part of me is going, "Haven't you had enough? Can't you grow me in another way? We just got through the storm, we were doing great, and now this?"

I'm not even sure how to conclude this post, other than to say, I'm sorry for the vagueness on what this burden is. All will be revealed eventually I'm sure, but now is not the time. This truly is my cross to bear at the moment...I just wish it were a different cross.

Dedication

2010-09-12T16:55:00.000-04:00

"It's been a ride
I guess I had to go to that place, to get to this one
Now some of you, might still be in that place
You're trying to get out
Just follow me, I'll get you there.

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody come to take my hand, come take my hand
We'll walk this road together
Through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that
You're not alone
Holler if you feel like you've been down the same road."

--Not Afraid, by Eminem

A Review on the Screwtape Letters

2010-09-07T01:03:00.000-04:00

"To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience with the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself--creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over."
--The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, chapter 8

The above excerpt was my favorite paragraph in reading 'The Screwtape Letters' during my break at the end of the summer. I managed to pick up the book and read it in roughly a week, which is quite the accomplishment for someone like me with ADD tendencies (esp. when it comes to reading.) But I could not put this book down.

It is absolutely genius writing; C. S. Lewis manages to turn everything on its head in impeccable fashion. As I read I couldn't help but think what kind of care had to go in to portraying the world, and humans, the way Satan sees it. And it is absolutely intriguing to read a book written from the point of view of the antagonist. I found myself rooting for the patient (the human under Wormwood's care), who we never have any direct contact with; we never find out his name, which, of course, is because that kind of personal information is absolutely unimportant to demons.

So I will close with my other favorite excerpt, which speaks directly to me, and probably to a lot of you as well:

"Of course, I know that the Enemy also wants to detach men from themselves, but in a different way. remember always, that He really likes the little vermin, and sets an absurd value on the distinctness of every one of them. When He talks of their losing their selves, He only means abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back all their personality, and boasts (I am afraid, sincerely) that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever."

--The Screwtape Letters, C. S. Lewis, chapter 13

A Study on Time

2010-09-01T13:33:00.001-04:00

*DISCLAIMER: I think this is one of my more honest blogs, where I kind of just put it out there. These are things that I am still mulling over. I don't have all the answers. But it's my interpretation. And I feel it's time to stop sugar-coating things. I'm saying this because, what follows might anger certain readers...

The masses are requesting an update, so I'm taking a few minutes out of working on Linear Algebra homework to give one.

Break was good, and eventful. I finished my Calc II class with a C, which, given the difficulty of that class, was just fine with me. I boarded a train to Massachusetts on Wednesday morning, and my family and I went to Maine later that evening. I indulged in two lobsters...because, what else are you going to do in Maine if not eat Lobster? We went on a sailing tour out of Portland, which was also very neat.

Back in my hometown, I took the time to hang with old friends and buy gifts for my new ones. I really do love going back, it's relaxing and beautiful, and so quiet and different from city life. I do love the fast pace of Philadelphia, but Massachusetts is one of the best places to slow down and rest. It's where I go to clear my head and get a fresh start.

Unfortunately, rehashing the past that I left behind when I left there got a bit in the way of that. This may not be entirely fair, but in a lot of ways my past is my past and I'd rather leave it up in Massachusetts. When I moved to Philadelphia I left those messes behind. I left so that I could get away and really live. Philadelphia really was freedom. It was starting over.

So when others want to rehash those years, think of them as 'the good old days', I cringe. Because, quite simply, they weren't. Not that I don't have a some good memories, but they're few and far between compared to the hard times. Even in the good times, there was this cloud over it. There was always another appointment with social workers, therapists, lawyers, etc. etc. I tried to maintain my friendships as best I could but did a rather shoddy job of that...I just didn't fit in. Truth is, I had no clue how to be a good friend. I remained socially awkward well into college, actually. For a lot of years, I worried entirely too much about what the 'right' thing to do was, what the 'right' thing to say was. (But somehow, I always managed to say and do the wrong thing.)

I suppose all this is to say, there's a quality about some of the people who live in my hometown, where time moves so much more slowly. Six years, the time that I've lived in Philadelphia, I've had the opportunity to live and learn a myriad of things, meet dozens of new people, and start over at least twice. It's been a lot of trial and error, but I've made no small matter of how I am thankful for all of it.

At the same token, six years in Massachusetts shows no major change. This is part of Greenfield's charm, actually: no matter how turbulent your life might be, Greenfield hearkens back to something a bit simpler. But when it comes to the lives of people, I can't help but feel that there are years being wasted. People become content with being complacent, and letting those years unravel behind them. Time in this world is a gift! It's hard for me to watch people not use that time to their full potential.

So I hung out with a friend of 10 years while I was back in Greenfield. We had a falling out right before I moved to Philadelphia, but have worked that out over the years. Problem is, our friendship will never be the same, and I know that, and am okay with that--and I don't think he is. He's very comfortable (complacent, even) with his life up there, so I suppose it's hard for him to fathom how much my life has changed, how much I have changed. So him wanting our friendship to be as strong as it was before I moved to Philadelphia, before he and I wounded it, represents steps backward, I guess.

I don't want people to think that I hold a grudge over these wounds--I don't. I'm perfectly fine with the state of things. It just seems to me to go back to the way things were, before the hurt, before Philadelphia, before all the growth and scars of the last six years, seems wildly unrealistic. For one thing, I no longer have the ability to wear my heart on my sleeve the way I used to. I just won't do it. So while the wounds themselves may have healed, and I'm not angry anymore about the things that have happened...there are still consequences.

Does that make sense?

Plans for Resbit...

2010-08-13T00:26:00.000-04:00

Summer classes come to a close on Monday morning. On Tuesday I'll be heading up to Massachusetts for roughly a week, perhaps longer, I'm not entirely sure.

I do know that I have a lot to read, reflect on, and write about. I'm really looking forward to taking some long drives, by myself, and thinking a lot of things over. It's really easy to get wrapped up in the busyness of the city, even in my down-times I feel the need to be doing something 'more productive'.

So, in specificity, I hope to finish 'Teach with your Heart' by Erin Gruwell and start 'The Screwtape Letters' by C.S. Lewis. I've also been meaning to reread and comment on past journals; I briefly retrieved my journal from the summer of 2005 (the last time I can remember having a summer as epic as this one) and was immediately struck at the down-right honesty and naivete of the 'me' of that era...I don't know if I've become more a believer in discretion, or lazy, but I definitely don't write with that much gusto any longer--and I know, I've been saying that this needs to change, but I think it's clear now that I need to actually DO. I definitely don't want to lose these years that I'm living now. I also want to start getting together the formulating ideas for an art project...I feel the need to paint at least one project, we'll see what that leads to.

Anyways, off to bed I go; much studying needs to get done in the next two days, before any of the fun stuff can actually happen.

It's my Theory.

2010-08-03T03:03:00.000-04:00

Excerpt from a conversation I had a with an old friend this evening. It's high time to formally put it down. Expect amendments at a time when my brain hasn't full of partial sums.

"It's different for every woman. But you know that thing guys like to say about women liking assholes? I have a theory about that.

This, I could write a book about. I might someday. Who knows. I'm still doing research =P

At any rate, the theory goes like this:

Our generation has the unfortunate fate of growing up with generally crappy models of manhood and womanhood. The media alone does enough damage. But then you consider our parent's divorce rates, the feminist movement, the me-generation: Basically, we've been screwed out of good role-models.

And I'm not saying there aren't exceptions, but generally speaking)

So, here we are, twenty-somethings, and we've got a generation of women who think that the only way a man can lead an dominate is to act like a jerk and the only way to get that man is to whore yourself out

AND

we have young men who are, as my friend Eric likes to say, gun-shy: they don't know HOW to approach women or what they really need, because it was never illustrated to them.

Because, contrary to belief, the emotional support trumps the sex and money."

Learning to Love Women

2010-07-31T13:38:00.000-04:00

I'm afraid the next few entries, whenever they may show up, may turn out to be very self-reflecting. There's a lot of mulling going on in this brain; there's a lot that needs to be written and formulated, time is just not on my side in this endeavor lately.

At any rate, today's reflection is on the state of my closest friendships. For most of my life, I fit not-so-comfortably into the role of being the little sister (or girlfriend) in a group of guys. I say not-so-comfortably because, on the surface, things were mostly ok, and in fact, I preferred hanging out with guys; they were generally drama-free, laid-back, albeit a bit sarcastic. The sarcasm was the part I had trouble with: I usually turned out to be the butt of a lot of jokes, and because, on the surface, I generally made a pretty good practice of laughing at myself (and along with them), things generally went on without too much interruption. However, the constant banter took a toll on my already-fragile sense of security. I felt that I wasn't taken seriously, and that I was under-appreciated. How true those statements are, only the friends of my past can really answer. But I spent a lot of years caring way too much about what other thought; I put my self-worth in other people's opinions, and had a very low opinion of myself in general anyways.

I should cut in here and say that, in general, I also hated hanging out with women. Or girls. However you would choose to define them. By my assessment, girls had no real depth and did little short of chasing boys and fashion. That's not to say that I didn't have a couple of good girlfriends, I did. But I had no interest in having a lot of them.

Some could conduct a psychological analysis and say that this is due to my mommy issues, which really boils down to: women can't be trusted. That very well may be. I just think I had issues with people in general. I wanted very badly to be accepted, loved, and respected, and I went looking for that in all the wrong places.

As mentioned in previous blog posts, the friendships I maintained with these guys dissolved after a particularly messy breakup (although, these days, we're good friends again.) And, despite being in a new relationship, thus began two of the loneliest years of my life. (This has all been rehashed before. No need to do it again. For a refresher, go see the previous posts.)

At the end of the tunnel, there was Alex. She was the embodiment of everything I wished to be: beautiful, confident, articulate, strong. We became fast friends (what better way to bond than over 'Will and Grace' after a breakup?) and my attitude began to change. Of course, there were other things at work in my life at the time -- namely the Lord -- but Alex made it clear that no woman should find her worth in a man. And that's exactly what I'd been doing for a lot of years.

Around this time, I also met Merrylee, who would later become another dear friend, roommate, and a key component in my spiritual growth. And the examples of strong, sincere, beautiful, Godly women continued: Vee, Sarah, Carol, Abbie, Alex R., Cynthia, and Rachel.

For a long time, I didn't know what Alex saw in me. I was so opposite of her in so many ways. I definitely wasn't fashionable and confident, and at the time I felt anything but strong. I told her once that next to her and another friend of hers, I always felt a little out of place, like the short plain-jane friend that just hung out with them. To which she responded, "What A. and I have can be taught. What you have, can't be faked. You are one of the most real, most sincere people I have ever met." To this day, this was one of the highest compliments I had ever received, and the first time I remember feeling respected by someone else.

So now, I have all these incredible women surrounding me, that I hope to grow old with and continue to learn from. The communion between girlfriends really is something special.

"I think I'll try defying gravity..."

2010-07-17T14:28:00.002-04:00

So things are finally slowing down a bit...so I have some time to reflect.

I should recount the last few weeks, however: I went to see my grandparents for a weekend in June, and then went on vacation to LBI for a couple days with Abbie a week later. I came home from LBI just to get back on the road the next day to go see my grandparents for 4th of July weekend. The weekend following that, I went out to the Pittsburgh area with five other women to attend my ex-roommate Sarah's wedding.

All in all, I had an excellent time in all situations. The Lord worked in mostly small ways during this time...

On my first trip out to Connecticut, my grandmother told me she was proud of me, and it's really the first time that she's said such a thing that I didn't feel that I was somehow also disappointing her. Pleasing my grandparents has been a major goal for many years; their opinions and blessings mean a lot to me. I was making some lousy life choices when I was younger, and I knew they were concerned about me. I think over the last two years or so I've grown up enough that they finally do trust me, and don't worry so much...and, more importantly, I've learned that, while their opinion should be respected, I am also an adult with my own, and that's ok. I think they've really just wanted me to lead an honorable life and live it to the fullest; since coming to Christ I've been able to do that more easily (not surprisingly.)

The trip to LBI was gorgeous. Abbie and I stayed on the north end of the island in Barnegat Light. People were friendly, food was good, beach was nice (even if I did get sunburned.) We had dessert with Eileen and Narv on Monday night and breakfast with Mama and Papa K on Tuesday morning. It's always good to see old friends.

However, going to LBI is always a little hard too. It brings back the tumultuous summer of two years ago, and all that has transpired since then. I wish amends could be made: harsh words were exchanged on both sides, and issues remain unresolved. This makes me terribly sad. I have prayed for him every day for the last year. More than anything, I pray for his salvation and peace. I don't know if it's because I've been thinking about this at length lately, but I had a dream a few nights ago that he'd found salvation...I hope this dream turns out to be prophetic.

The next two weekends were just tons of fun: 4th of July at Lake Candlewood in Connecticut, with my family (and Mike's girlfriend Kate), a road trip to Pittsburgh (look me up on facebook for pictures of that adventure), and a birthday dinner at Tequila's with some of my favorite people.

Other than being an east-coast traveller, I've done a lot of processing lately. The last month has been one of wrapping up. I mentioned strange closure regarding past romantic relationships in my last post--indeed, they've all been dealt with to varying degrees, except for the one I've previously mentioned in this post.

Also, my 24th birthday has been the first time I've actually felt my age: there was time when I thought I was going to be married by the time I was 24. This may sounds odd, but I was in two very committed relationships back to back, both men I loved dearly and with all of me. The ending of the first just about destroyed me, though, thankfully, we are very good friends today. In fact, he was one of the people to come alongside me when the second relationship ended two years ago, which actually turned out to be relief and one of the best things to have happened to me--It's what drove me to Christ.

I know God's timing is perfect, and so are his plans, but the whole notion has made me feel a little bitter, to the point of taking my frustration out on building furniture. Honestly, writing this now, I'm not sure why I'm so frustrated. This is probably because I've put a lot of thought into the predicament over the last week, and have realized a couple of things:

Firstly, I don't know how prepared I am to commit myself to someone else. That is to say, if the opportunity arose, I wouldn't do so, but something tells me I have a few things to learn beforehand. Secondly, I'm not sure I'm happy with myself lately. This is probably a product of bitterness and frustration, but I've been less than loving and rather self-centered lately. I've become tired of trying be a certain way, trying to censor my personality because it might make some people uncomfortable. So I'm just done. As the song says: "I'm through excepting limits, because someone says they're so."

So yes, the song for this post is "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. Though I've never seen the play (but hope to someday), it just speaks to me.

Looking back and forward...

2010-06-25T12:00:00.000-04:00

This is my third start at this particular entry. There are a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head, and putting them down comprehensively is proving to be a bit of a difficulty.

I've been thinking a lot about Love lately. And not in the romantic sense. (Anyone who knows me well knows that the romance has been lacking greatly in my life as of late.) But love of family and friends, life, and the Lord has grown exponentially in the last year and a half. For the first time in my life, I am truly happy, mostly content, and living my life to the fullest. I always wanted to get to this point, and now that I'm here, it's time for some reflection and to write things down.

I had a vision of myself when I was younger. From the time I first saw 'The Dead Poet's Society' when I was 14, there was this desire to 'Carpe Diem', 'contribute a verse', and live a life filled with passion. I wanted to an independent woman, confident in my own abilities and dreams. And, I wanted to be respected, someone that friends and family could rely on in crisis for support and wisdom.

Getting to that point has taken a long time. There were a lot of false-starts and life lessons that had to be learned along the way.

Passion was something that came naturally--so naturally, in fact, that I could be rightly accused to being too over-zealous. I feel every emotion intensely, and I let my emotions get the better of me. This landed me in therapy more than once over the last six years. I'm the first to admit that I can be a handful, but I now know that I wouldn't want to live a life where I don't feel those things as intensely as I do. I've just become better at managing them, without overwhelming people. And this has been a hard balance to find: being a well-adjusted adult without being an 'emotionless robot'. Stifling what I feel has never served me well.

Becoming an independent woman was also a long process. I spent the better part of my first four years in Philadelphia in tumultuous relationships. I wanted desperate to be loved and valued, and made the classic mistake of looking for it in all the wrong places. Most importantly, I didn't love and value myself. When I did begin learning to do that, my relationships started falling apart, much to my relief, actually. When they did, I took a good long look in the mirror and realized that I had no clue who I was. This was a problem.

This missing link in all of this was the Lord. When I decided to have a relationship with Jesus, everything changed. I learned to love, really love: life, family, friends, myself. My next few postings will hopefully explore this in more detail. There's a lot floating around in my head on the subject of love and the fruits of love. But, the one common thread in all of this is the love of God. I have been greatly loved, and wish the whole world could know what that feels like.

Time to Count Blessings

2010-06-05T15:49:00.000-04:00

My apologies for the last two blogs; but, part of my purpose of starting to write again was so that the negative things can't just stay in my head, the sadness can't just sit there and marinate.

That being said, I've lost my writing focus. My vision for this blog has developed into a forum for me write down what it means to be a daughter of Christ: what that means, the joys, the happy things, the sad things. Judging from the last two blogs, you would think that life is incredibly depressing right now. But, really, there are so many blessings in my life right now, I feel so much happiness and awe at the workings of God:

1. Eric and Merrylee got married on May 15th. It was a beautiful wedding, and I managed to make it through the ceremony without crying. I am ecstatically happy for them, they will live a long life together.

2. School: I love, love, love being back in school, and God has blessed me with incredible professors. The only problem is I go to bed and visions of taking derivatives float through my head.

3. Mighty Writers is the organization I've been volunteering at, working with their after-school homework program. I've recently been working with two 10-year-old girls on writing a play, and during that time I've gotten to know them and glimpse the world as they see it. They have confirmed for me that choosing to go back to school to become a teacher was the right choice: my heart goes out to them, as they tell about how their fathers are not present in the household and their mothers got pregnant at 16. It's just a constant reminder that I live in a city of so much need.

4. Family: my brother just finished his junior year of college at Penn State and my sister just finished her freshman year at Gettysburg: I am so incredibly proud of them. My brother and I in particular have gotten much closer in the last few months, and for this, I am thankful.

5. I have recently found myself in many opportunities to be of help and support to various friends. I do this with joy, and I am so glad to have them all in my life.

6. Rachel: I love this woman. She has been an amazing help and a constant conversation-starter, as well as a companion to eat pasta and watch Big Bang Theory with. Words cannot express how happy I am to have her in my life and now, in my household. I look forward to at least a year of constant trouble-making.

7. Closure: There has been a lot of closure on several past romantic relationships, including closure that I was not expecting.

"For you make me glad by your deeds, O Lord; I sing for joy at the works of your hands." -Psalm 92:4

With One Statement

2010-05-30T15:15:00.000-04:00

I loved you.
I poured my heart out to you,
Which was the most exhilerating thing...

I tried to make you come in,
bare your soul,
get to know you all over again.

For you, I never wanted
anything but the best
everything you deserved

If you would have had me
I'd have been yours
Forever and always

You must not have wanted it
all that much
Because of what happened next...

With one statement,
You made me a liar
You made me a fool
You made me want to take it all back.

With one statement
You managed to
humiliate
alienate
And make it all go away...

This will never, ever do...

2010-05-18T16:38:00.000-04:00

I have expected this.
It always happens.
Hope is wonderous, until it fails you.
And I've gotten so used to being failed, that it doesn't even hurt anymore...

You're insensitivity does not come as a surprise.
It's time to face what I've always been:
that toy you keep locked away,
and take out when you feel like it.
Nothing about this is fair.
And I don't particularly like being played with.

"...Cause you won't let go of anything you hold."

2010-04-26T19:35:00.005-04:00

Today's post is inspired by the above song.

'Bless my soul, you're a lonely soul, 'cause you won't let go of anything you hold.'

This line constantly reminds me of my friend Alex, mainly because she said the same thing to me once. She pointed out that I have trouble letting people go, no matter how much they may have wronged me in the past. If you've managed to find your way into my heart, as a friend or otherwise, you are destined to stay there, whether I wish for you to be there or not.

And sometimes, the people I find on my heart, I really wish weren't there, simply because I love and feel for them so much, and sometimes I feel powerless over those feelings. And sometimes, those people want nothing to do with me.

'Because all I need, is the air I breathe, and a place to rest my head.'

This line reminds me of how I often try to stuff those feelings to the back of my mind. Often there are time that I feel that thinking about, praying for, and loving the inaccessible people in my life can do no good. I often say to God exasperatedly, 'Why? Why do you keep putting this person there?"

Ultimately, though, they are on my heart, and I am powerless to put them away. So the few of you that may read this who are at a long distance, know you're in my thoughts often.

And those of you that are close by, know that I love you all, very very much.

So much joy =)

2010-04-20T00:20:00.000-04:00

A brief summary of good things happening lately:

-A praise that a long-standing rift between a good friend of mine and me seems to be on the way to closing. God still has much work to do in this area, as well as much to reveal, but nothing is impossible for him.

-I am now the proud owner of xkcd's 'My approach here is useless' T-shirt.

-Highlight of the day: Two 12- or 13-year-old boys looking at a girl of the same approximate age and going, 'Why are her lips so shiny?' She was wearing copious amounts of lip gloss.

-Getting quite excited for Eric and Merrylee's wedding, as well as Rachel moving in! We are going to makes so much trouble....and have a fabulous time doing it!

-Leenie's coming to visit! I'm lucky if I get to see her twice a year anymore. I miss that girl =)

So those are the things off the top of my head, before I head to sleep.

My Inner Geek is Bursting

2010-04-12T22:35:00.000-04:00

So one of the things unemployment has allowed me to do is revisit the things that have fallen by the wayside over the last two years due to extreme busyness. Today, a post from Scott Johnson on facebook caught my eye and led me on a digging mission that came up with exciting results.

First to know: Scott Johnson is a podcaster and cartoonist; I used to listen to his show "The Instance"in the days when I was a WoW geek. (I am no longer a WoW geek; one of the things that had to give when I went back to school.) Through this podcast I discovered Coverville, a podcast I now listen to when I'm doing my math homework (I am now a math geek.) So, Scott's post about Coverville joining Frogpants Studios caught my eye today.

Upon investigation, I discovered new podcasts Scott was producing, and was instantly excited to see that he was doing a new show with Turpster, who was once featured on the Instance and absolutely put me in stitches. (I actually held on to that episode The Instance for a while because I laughed so uproariously when I listened to it.) Without further ado, I downloaded the existing three episodes of Hypothetical Help and listened to them immediately. I think my roommates thought I might have lost it, as I would burst into a fit of giggles every so often while sweeping and doing dishes.

The other gem I managed to find was Scott's 56 Geeks Project. That print might just get bought for Rachel's and my '3rd Floor Kingdom of Geekdom'. My only criticism? Scott failed to include a math geek. Just sayin'.

An Update on Easter Weekend

2010-04-07T11:52:00.000-04:00

It's been a full few days. Over the weekend I went to see my family in CT for Easter. My younger sister was unable to join us due to the massive amount of work that a double-major demands, so it was just Grandma, Grandpa, Mike and me.

Mike and I got to really talk for the first time. Over the last year we've gotten closer the way adult siblings do; I no longer see him as my little brother, he's a man in his own right, a peer, someone I look to for advice. We had a wonderful conversation over sandwiches about my plans for my degree, and then went up to the state park, where he told me about his girlfriend Kate.

Easter morning we had Easter baskets from Grandma; she loves to spoil us. She gave me some candy, a new keychain (and just in time, I'd been considering replacing my AIPh lanyard), a bracelet, and some other knick-knacks. Church was punctuated by a singing of the Hallelujah chorus; someday I'll get all the parts straight.

I wanted to attempt to get home in time for the evening service at my home church, so I left soon after we got home from church. I decided to take Rte. 202 through New York State -- so worth it. This particular route takes you up Bear Mountain, across the Hudson, and back down Bear Mountain. A whole lot more interesting than the mad dash across the Tappan Zee or Newburgh Bridges. I did get a little turned around at some points; hopefully my next trip up I'll manage to not get lost. Either way, I love road trips and exploring, seeing new places.

All in all, it was a blessed and productive trip. I am so thankful for my family, who always supports and loves me.

"I couldn't think of a place I would've rather been to watch it all burn."

2010-03-24T23:24:00.002-04:00

My newest musical obsession is 'Grapevine Fires' by Death Cab for Cutie. At first, it appears to just be a narrative of people watching something burn - initially the song reminds me of wildfires in California. But I can't help but draw a more abstract meaning from the song: the idea that even in things ending, there can be joy and beauty. The easy-going melody and stories of people watching things burn from graveyards while drinking wine from paper cups just seems to paint a pretty, peaceful picture to me.

And haven't we all found ourselves at that place in life: where we're sad to see something end or go, but know that in the end, we'll be all right? The ending of one thing really is just the beginning of another...

(I feel as if I should have a Bible verse encompassing this, but a good one is escaping me...except for maybe the following)

There is a time for everything, and a season for every purpose under heaven. (Ecc. 3:1)

Springtime in Philadelphia

2010-03-20T19:42:00.000-04:00

I love spring in this city.

People come out, windows open, restaurants put out their outdoor seating. Flowers start blooming in my neighborhood. Tonight is one of those nights that I feel completely at peace in the warm air.

I guess I'm just beyond words. Spring usually does that. And that might have something to do with the letter I just wrote Tony.

"Time and time and time again, I want you back, you were my friend."

2010-03-15T14:08:00.003-04:00

The above song is by far one of my all-time favorites. It reminds me of love gone wrong and lost. It's what I listen to when he crosses my mind.

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me...and I'm feeling good."

2010-03-09T20:49:00.000-05:00

So I my job was terminated today.

The part of me that is sad is the part that's going to miss some of my coworkers and customers. I met some awesome people while at TD Bank.

But an even bigger part of me is relieved. I'm not a person who operates very well on five and six hours of sleep, but my in order to keep up working 40 hours a week and go to school, my sleep often suffered. And when my sleep suffered, my job performance suffered. Quite simply, I was stretched way too thin.

Not to mention, I hated my job. I was a robot who counted money all day. I'm too emotional to be a robot.

But now, now I have time! I have time to study, and clean, and write, and volunteer, and go to Bible Study. Obviously, I need to see about applying for unemployment and/or what my employment situation will look like from here on out, but I'm just excited to have the time to rest, study, and possibly get back into doing some ministry work.

Altogether, I think this was God's way of moving me towards the next thing, whatever that may be.

Now, I think a vest-burning ceremony just might be on the agenda....

A Day of Abounding Joy!

2010-03-07T01:26:00.003-05:00

Anybody who knows me well knows that I've spent the better part of the last nine weeks lamenting and griping. There was much unrest in my life. There were things I wanted that I couldn't have. And I knew God was telling me to wait for a lot of those things.

A few days ago, I finally just asked, "God, I want to be used, so badly. Please, please use me."

Thursday night a friend of mine broke down. I've been in that place, that place where you are so frustrated with your life and your brokenness that all you can muster are angry screams and tears. I sat on the phone with him and tried tell him: There is hope. Christ wants a relationship with you. I don't know how effective I was. I didn't witness a conversion or anything like that. But just the fact that the opportunity was given was such a blessing.

The last 28 hours or so have been especially joyful and convicting. Tenth Presbyterian hold and annual Urban Ministry Conference . This years subject was Sex and the City, dealing with the realities of living in a culture with such warped views of sexuality. It was a sure setting for those of us attending to be able to think about areas of our lives where this needed attention. Having been convicted of this, I did focus my attention on this issue, and straightaway after the conference (and lunch with friends at El Fuego), dealt with it, making a major step at putting it to death.

This was followed by a joyous conversation with my brother and sister, and then another with Mama K as we made plans for me to visit in the coming week. I also received a letter from Tony in the mail.

We then had a house dinner, which I invited Rachel to. The evening was filled with wonderful conversation and the possibility that Rachel will be joining the 521 residence this summer. Even an awkward conversation between the two of us turned in to an opportunity for glory in God...it's just so funny how He works sometimes.

There was Date Night with Merrylee...our weekly viewings of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, which always makes me happy.

And then I found Alex online and said, 'pick a place, any place, and we'll go during my vacation this summer.' So apparently I'm going to Quebec, Montreal, and Toronto on a road trip to Canada. (I'm surprised she picked Canada...I gave her an easy open to Paris, London, or Spain, places she's always wanted to bring me to.)

So, I go to sleep content, and laughing at the amazing ways and works God has for us when we wait...

My Relationship with Irony

2010-02-26T08:54:00.000-05:00

So anyone who read my blogs a few years ago knows that Irony and I have a healthy relationship. She (and I'm convinced she's a she because, frankly, she can be a bitch), and I have been out of touch for a while, but she's decided to show back up in the last few weeks.

Case and point: a few weeks ago, I was late for class due to SEPTA running rather sporadically due to Snowpocalypse. This caused me to have two minutes to finish a quiz, a quiz that I could have gotten a 100% on if I'd had the time to finish it, I knew the material inside and out. Having learned my lesson about SEPTA and snow, I left my house twenty minutes early this morning, and arrived on campus in record time. To find that class was cancelled.

Also, during Snowpocalypse, TD Bank, which never closes for anything, closed on Saturday, closed early on Wednesday, and opened at 9am on Thursday. I had Saturday scheduled off, Wednesday scheduled off, and wasn't due in to work on Thursday til noon...which mean no freebies for me. At all. Ever.

...Here's to just taking everything in stride.

"Sometimes taking a trip down Memory Lane makes your heart hurt."

2010-02-24T23:14:00.002-05:00

In 2005 and 2006, I did a lot of blogging. It was a critical period in my life: I was a girl in a new city, wrestling with what it meant to be an adult. I was in art school at the Art Institute of Philadelphia, and life was bittersweet: as many tears as there was laughter. Life was new and filled with passion. I made some of my best and closest friends at that time, people that I know, to this day, would be there if I ever needed them.

Everything changed at the end of 2006. One of these said close friends and I were dating, and our relationship ended during the summer. Most of our friends were mutual, but they were his friends first, and this became clear after we broke up (and I made some lousy choices regarding this particular breakup.) In a rather vulnerable position, I very quickly got swept off my feet an into a new romantic relationship that would last two years and be remembered as two of the darkest years of my life.

I stopped blogging in 2007. During that time, I was dealing with things and thoughts that I neither wanted nor felt appropriate to share. By 2008 I needed help so desperately, I went back to therapy for the third time since I was 15 to deal with the nervous breakdowns and clinical depression. There were issues I needed to resolve if I had any hope of leading any semblance of a normal life.

Therapy actually helped a lot in the beginning - well enough to end the codependent relationship that had been making existing issues that much worse. But when it came to the existing issues (anxiety, depression, guilt), I began to find that the only thing that could soothe me was the hour I went to church on Sundays.

I had always felt that God had a hand in my life. With some of the things I've seen and experienced, it's nothing short of a miracle that things didn't turn out worse for me. God was wise enough to place me in apartment around the corner from Tenth Presbyterian Church, and when I started going consistently, He always found a way to make the evening sermons apply so perfectly to my life. Paul Tripp is the kind of preacher who speaks directly to your heart; I spent many weeks sitting in the pews in the back, and crying.

Still, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I was not good enough for God - I'd messed up too much, done too many shameful things, and I didn't feel that I had the ability to ever be good enough for Him. I was scared to turn my life over to Him, what kind of sacrifices that might require.

I found myself standing in Merrylee's kitchen, stumbling over the words to express that fear, when she told me that it wasn't my job to be good enough for him, that it was Jesus who had done that for me already. I had gone to her house to look at it with the possibility of moving in at the beginning of 2009. I walked out of the house and said, "Ok, God, it's up to you now."

Coming to Christ was the most exhilerating thing I had ever experienced. For the first time in my life, I was truly happy. I remember shortly thereafter, my friend Colin coming home from boot camp, and when he asked "What's new?" all I could say was, "Everything..."

(The song I equate with this feeling is 'Surrounded' by Dream Theater: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ope1WNzIcjQ )

Last year was incredible, both for me and those closest to me (both family and friends.) I did end up moving into Merrylee's house, and later that year she ended up getting engaged to Eric, another good friend of mine. After much contemplation, I decided that I was called to be a high school math teacher - so I am back in school, taking all the prerequisite classes that art school does not require. In the next few years I will be applying to Temple University's post-baccalaureate teacher's certification program. I also work full-time at TD Bank in Center City, so with both those things I am quite busy.

Obviously, this year, I have decided to start blogging again. There is still a lot of stuff floating around in my brain, both fun and serious. I've decided to I need a forum to share those things - because I've decided it's better to share these things rather than just let them float around up there.

I hope you all enjoy. Feel free to comment. Here's to 2010!